SUICIDE BLONDE

Okay, I'm not blonde anymore, but god dammit, after this morning, I'm close to being suicidal. I'm afraid my peers at the hospital are going to have to restrain and medicate me. Why such drama? Because afer dropping off my car for a Smog Check (which I presume is to preserve the oxymoronic air quality out here in La-La Land) I happily clicked on my I-Mac to check my e-mail, only to wind up being accosted by this:



What the FUCK?! We are now celebrating our forced celibacy? While my trusty VCR might appreciate the acclaim, I assure you, I do not. What? Are my friends going to send me a card with a picture of a vibrator on it? What the hell would it say? "Happy Calluses?" Or, would it read more like a sympathy card? You know, with beautiful pictures of lillies and a bad poem declaring the virtues of solitude?

The little sidebar for this eye-piercing, soul-sucking banner included these wonderul articles: "10 Things Every Single Must Own;" "Daring Date Ideas;" and "10 Things All Single People Must Do." I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't resist; I actually read one of them, the latter, and now I know that our country really does have a drug problem. This is the advice that author Evan Mark Katz for me:

Number One: "Travel alone." Okay, I already DO travel alone!!! (And I’m about to start drinking alone, too!)

Number Two: "Wallow in the ache of a broken heart." I swear to God, the author wrote that. What kind of crap is that? Okay, yeah, I'll have another pity party, just like Renee Zellwegger.

Three: "Spend a weekend with a married couple your age." What? So, I can feel worse?

Four: "Don't come home all night." Okay, so now he's advocating being a whore?! I’ll bet the Bush Administration just loves this one.

Five: "Stand up for a cause you care about." I am; I’m bitching about being single.

Six: "Have a real adventure...Learn to fly a plane, surf some big waves, or start your own business." Is this bitch high?!?!?!?

Seven: "Learn how to take care of yourself." Say whah??? What is he talking about? I do wash, okay?!

Eight: "Buy something hugely impractical just because you love it." I already do, and often. (Which is why I can’t afford to actually go on a date.)

Nine: "Develop a hobby." Again, I already have this - it’s called masturbating.

And, drum roll please - Number Ten: "Be completely, utterly, wholly single for at least three months."

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! I really am going to stick something in my eye again.

But, as an alternative, maybe I'll just choose to enjoy being single. Actually, I kinda already do. Besides, dating is scarier than witnessing your grandmother wash out her underwear. This way, I have time to write, don't have to worry about the toilet seat or anything, and can hang out with all my (married) friends. Hmmm; well, that's not so bad. The only real glitch here is the deeply buried fear expressed recently by a good friend in NY and by the Brenda Johnson character on "The Closer," and it goes something like this: "How did I become the old, single lady with all the cats?"