HOLLYWOOD CHILLS

A glimpse into one actor/writer's life in La-La Land. Part lampoon, part harpoon, all good.

Saturday, October 21, 2006

LIVE FROM LOS ANGELES!



For the last ten years or so, Los Angeles has been the nexus of all television and film work. Of course, right when I get here, New York mayor Michael Bloomberg does some fancy wheeling and dealing and WHAM - LA loses 30 per cent of its share. Making me feel just a tad like the girl who wants to be fashionably late and arrives to the party well after the caterers have cleaned and the Prince has found the shoe. No worries, though. Kevin Costner already taught me, "Build it, and they will come." (And, don't take yourself so seriously; and, don't screw the natives.) So, on I press. And, like the theme song from Alice says: There's a new girl in town. So I've busted my butt to help promote myself out here in Hollywood. While the internet is the world's largest repository of porn, surprisingly, it is also used for other things, like: spam mail, scam mail, and sending stupid forwards that just aren't funny. So, In lieu of actually hiring a real pimp to beat the crap out of agents and casting directors for them, many actors are using the web to help pimp themselves. Like Carson from Queer Eye, I took notice of the trend and have been working with a web designer to help get a site up on the internet.

And thank God for him, because I know about as much about HTML as George W. Bush knows about English. This internet professional, we'll call him WebGuru, really deserves a medal. Working with a client that has attention-deficit disorder just isn't that easy; you know? I would send him e-mails with great ideas and then the next day send him another tome completely negating everything I had said before. I'd also start brain-storming and shoot off these ambitious ideas to him that would take a team of CGI animators a year to complete - like, how about creating a cartoon opening of me like "I Dream of Genie" or "Bewitched." Or how about having the Philadelphia Harmonic Orchestra do our music? WebGuru was always patient and very focused; he would always acknowledge my ideas, present the practical challenges and then devise a wonderful, creative alternative. He would also shamelessly flirt, which I'm sure helped to appease me. He's a devout heterosexual; but he's also secure enough to play the game with me. Which was always fun. Here's an example of a typical exhange between us as we worked to build the site:

WEBGURU: Hey, Cupcake. Boy you sure looked delicious in the photos you sent.
LANGDON: Thanks STUD muffin. Hey, LOVE what you did with the opening animation. But, do you think you could actually sync it up with the music? ~ big wet kisses and a few hip thrusts
WEBGURU:Everything's done; I love your site - its as pretty as I imagine your sweet california tanned ass to be
LANGDON: Thanks SO much for everything. Let me know when your wife is out of town and I'll make the final payment.

Pretty silly stuff. But it helped to defuse the tension of building a website cross-country. And now, thanks to many months of hard work (and sweet nothings) by the WebGuru, the web site is complete. Making this post the offical launch of langdonbosarge.com. So silly, so narcissistic; but so necessary in the marketing side of Hollywood. There are photos and a few clips, though more will come. It's so hard to even get footage sometimes, as independent directors often disappear without providing the promised video tape; and, much of the work is often so unbelievably bad that even an actor's own mother would cringe. Hopefully, the casting directors and agents out here won't cringe, and neither will you.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Wet kisses and a few hip thrusts" had me snorting coffee out my nose this morning! You're such a gem...er, cupcake. I wonder what color your frosting is? Make sure it's the cream cheese variety and not that lardy sugar stuff...Sorry, I digress. The upside: I have chipped off 2 of the 8 lbs I've been yo-yoing. The downside: it's left my brain a little pixilated...Mmm, pixie stix. Annnnyway, love this blog entry. Can't wait to check out your cite, sugarplum!

Lisa

5:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HOLY QUACAMOLE! You were on Sex & the City and Saturday Night Live????? How did I miss that? What season in S&C? I see a trip to blockbuster in my future; if only I had Betsy on a cigarette-burned sofa to watch it with me for the weekend, I'd be in heaven!

5:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, Cupcake, I'm going to have to agree w/ the above Lisa about avoiding the partially-hydrogenated, lardy, sugary frosting and going with the cream cheese (especially with your Flabophobia). What should we use for sweetening... a few pinches of minimally-refined natural cane sugar, a kiss of honey, thick dark molasses, or a more modern option like Splenda? And what type of cupcake is he? Hmmm.

Oh and, what a great website! Webguru knew what he was doing. I haven't seen some of those performances either. I hope Lisa and Betsy will invite me to sit on the sofa with them and watch you.

Respectfully, the other Lisa

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come on over, Lisa! ...and bring your Splendified cupcakes, too. Mmmmmmm

The other, other Lisa

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where is our latest installment?? Enquiring minds want to know!

6:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, we're WAITING........

9:42 AM  

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