A glimpse into one actor/writer's life in La-La Land. Part lampoon, part harpoon, all good.

Monday, October 30, 2006


I have a friggin' closet full of clothes, and still I find myself almost daily standing in front of it unable to pick out an outfit. Hell, I actually have two closets full of clothes, and I have difficulty finding anything I want to wear. I've stood there, utterly baffled and simultaneously disgusted; I've actually yelled, "I have nothing to wear!" And that's just not true. I have two closets, a dresser, and a bookshelf (yes, a bookshelf) full of clothes. And yet, I seem to hate everything I own. Getting dressed has always taken me forever, but now it's almost impossible.

And today it's even worse because what I really need just isn't in the closet. You see, I've been invited to a Halloween party and I don't have a costume. (My friend and co-star from "Ten Lives," Michael Silva, moved to L.A. a few years ago and thoughtfully invited to me to his soiree; he thought it would be a great way for me to meet new friends.) Like Jamie Lee without a good push-up (or a weapon), I'm absolutely useless. What am I going to do? Originally I was really excited about the party. But the fact that I don't know any of these people yet changes things; it adds so much pressure. If I show up as Paris Hilton or Elmo what would that say about me? Plus, if my face is full of make-up...okay, full of more make-up, how will they know what I even look like? Oh, the pressure! I just can't take it!

Normally these issues aren't a concern at all for me at Halloween. I'll slap a pound of cover-up and a Frederick's Of Holywood teddie on anytime. No excuses, no explanations. (And not much prodding, either.) But this is like my Debutante Ball, my Coming Out into Hollywood society. It's a big deal; right? Okay, maybe not as important as the election that's 7 days away, the ultra-repugnant Foley/Page scandal, or the big tadoo last week over whether Hillary did or did not actually have a face lift. But it's imortant to me. So, just like when Jamie went out and bought herself some boobies, I decided to take myself shopping.

Now, tell me, where in Hollywood does one go to get a really good costume? Hmmm...I decided to head straight to Paramount Studios. Hell, I only live a few blocks away; so why not? I thought it was a great idea, but apparently the security guard didn't, even after I explained my whole debutante conflict thingy. So, I left the mightily protected walls and palms of Paramount for better (and safer) shopping. I actually headed straight to Hollywood Boulevard which, contrary to popular belief, isn't very sheik. It's full of tourist traps, dive bars, and - yes - costume shops! (It also happens to be host to the Hollywood Walk of Fame, replete with all of those lovely stars - Jamie Lee Curtis included.)

I went to Hollywood Costume which is like the Home Depot of costumes, props, and wigs. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was like a gay man's paradise (except Terrence Howard and Seal weren't there; neither, to my surprise, was Harvey Fierstein). So I ran up the aisles like George W. Bush looking for his conscience. Only I was having a lot more fun. If only they had dressing rooms; but they didn't. You had to buy on the spot; and no returns either, so make sure you're sure. I meandered, wandered, and coveted for what seems like hours. (Wait a minute. I was in there for hours! I realized this when I got back to my car and had a friggin' parking ticket. Shit. That's my fifth one since I moved here.) But at least I did I finally find the perfect costume. Nothing with make-up; nothing too freaky; nothing that will make me look fat. I decided to go as an Angel with Priority Problems - he can't decide if he wants to be good or bad. (Something I can actually relate to, so I won't have to ask: What's my motivation?) I bought these great Barbarella wings, along with horns and a tail. I'm going to wear them with white semi-see-through pants and a tank top, with just a touch of glitter. It's not going to get me an Emmy; but it did satisfy the bizarre technical requirements I had this year; and it's going to get me into the party. Which is a good thing.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jaime Lee Curtis had a boob job??? That's dissappointing - I thought she was all about the hollywood body dysphoria or whatever.

Good idea re: costume. Your fans WILL expect a photo.

Eagerly waiting,
a fan

6:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah, she did. But I can easily forgive her. First of all, it was in the mid-eighties. And we all did crazy shit in that time warp - remember leg warmers and parachute pants? (And Whitney Houston, for that matter?) Secondly, she is very open and honest about the dangers of self-mutilating surgery and the necessity to love your body - as is. Plus she writes children's books! What's not to like?

lang ;)

9:58 AM  
Blogger L said...

I hope you had fun at your bash, you angel-devil, you! Based on your description I have an image conjured in my head. Wings, horns, see-through. Hey, and I remember one of your closets full of fun clothes, circa 1993. An original party animal you are. I accompanied an 11-year-old viking and a 3-year-old pirate to a get-together at a clubhouse where many of the adults anesthetized themselves while their kids watched a magic show. Some of the older kids were heckling the magician, yelling, "You suck!" And actually he wasn't great, but it was painful to be sitting between the obnoxious little hecklers and the hapless, publicly humiliated magician. I felt sorry for him. Kind of felt sorry for the kids, too. Then groups of parents and children performed the traditional ritual of walking door to door requesting treats. Our pirate companion satisfied himself collecting leaves and pine needles.

7:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this should now be called the Forum of the Three Lisas. You guys are GREAT! The kids sounded adorable. The magician, well, I feel his pain...

;) lang

9:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you ever do Motown, we are so going have to get matching back-up singer regalia and do the "oooh wah, oooooooooh wah" - Introducing:

Langdon and the Lisas!

One of 'em,

8:41 AM  
Blogger L said...

That sounds fun! I'm gonna start practicing. Can we wear black regalia?

the other lisa

5:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...With sequins!


5:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

title: Which Witch Is Which???

I can't keep track of you guys!!!



11:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

p.s. >> I did attend the party, and had a fabulous time. And I (think I) looked fabulous. Everyone loved the dirty little angel and wanted to either stroke my feathers or pull my tail. Sadly, I don't believe there are any photos. (Security was extremely tight and the paparrazi were held at bay.)

11:40 AM  

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