A glimpse into one actor/writer's life in La-La Land. Part lampoon, part harpoon, all good.

Monday, November 06, 2006


Don't you just love how some people always mention their birthdays beforehand? They'll go to great lengths to insert news of their upcoming special day in any and all conversations. Even ones that have absolutely nothing to do with birth, days, or birthdays, like, " Oh, yeah that's a fabulous red feather boa. I have one, too, and I'm going to wear it on my birthday...my birthday, which is next Monday. My birthday, that is." Or, "Yeah, the war in Iraq sucks; and my birthday..." You get it. Which brings me to the fact that it is, indeed, my birthday. (I can't believe I'm writing about it; I swore once I moved to Los Angeles I'd never celebrate another birthday again; any and all acknowledgement - and proof - of the fact that I am, like all other human beings, actually aging would not only be ignored but actively destroyed. Oh, well; go figure. I have good moisturizer; so what's there to hide?)

So, if you're any good at mental calculations - or getting laid in a sleazy, dive bar - you've no doubt realized by now that I am a Scorpio. Hey, why did you just get quiet? Ah, because you, like so many, have only heard the bad things about us Scorpios. Really now, why is it that when people discover a friend or co-worker is a Scorpio they look at him like Michael Meyers is standing there in an Austin Powers costume with his thingy hanging out. "Yeah, baby; a Scorpio, baby. Baby, baby...baby." It's either that, or the "Damien Omen-Holy Shit, He's Going To Kill Me" look. What have we Scorpios done, really, to deserve this bad reputation? Afterall, Johnny Carson was a Scorpio for Christ's sake. How much more apple pie and baseball can you get? By the way, Jonas Salk (he invented a friggin vaccine - hello?!), Walter Cronkite, and Carl Sagan were also all Scorpios. So are Kate Jackson (my favorirte Angel), Whoopi Goldberg and Jody Foster. Who couldn't look at that group and fall in love? Never you mind that Grace Jones, Larry Flint and Bo Derek are, too.

So, you might also be asking yourself, "What does Langdon want for his birthday?" Well, today I just bought myself a new printer. Not really a present; I had to. You see, I needed to print out our new script (ironically titled, Wish List) that we are polishing and my HP (which stands for Hellish Pieceofshit) totally went on the fritz. I was so angry; I hate when things break or don't work. I punched it, ripped its lid off, and almost threw it out the window. Just like Russell Crowe's character in A Beautiful Mind. And tomorrow I'm planning on buidling a great big bonfire and setting it right on top. So, you see, I had to buy a new printer today. But, what would I wish for, if I could? Okay, here goes, my top ten birthday wishes:

10) World Peace (Really; but for now, I'll settle for one of those granola bumperstickers that says, "Whirrled Peas.")

9) An election day slam tomororw - with the Democrats taking back both houses of Congress (and, maybe too, with George W. Bush taking a giant, involuntary dumpie on himself).

8) Well, since I went and got all political, how about finally getting the impeachment of President Bush? And criminal charges against him, Carl Rove, and that lady with a name that sounds like a veneral disease?

7) Dinner with Carol Burnett, one of my long-time comedy idols.

6) Oh, we just did seven; speaking of that number, how about seven minutes alone in a closet with Terrance Howard.

5) Great. I had to go and mention sex. (Well, don't blame me; blame the Zodiac.) So, how about an insurance salesman (or friendly neighbor) that looked like like Dennis Haysbert from those Allstate commericals and "24." (He has a new show - finally he's the lead; duh, Hollywood - called, "The Unit," but I just can't bring myself to watch it. Partly because of the content - or lack thereof - and partly because the title makes me laugh like a juvenile. "The Unit," ha ha.) I'd just love him to say to me, up close and personal, "Are you in good hands?"

4) Actually, I don't need an insurance agent. What I really need is a damned Talent Agent. And a literay agent.

3) In lieu of that, how about the personal Rolodex of Steven Speilberg, then? Or Oprah? (Naw; Madonna's is probably far more interesting...)

2) This is a toss-up. I'd have to go with either the name and address of Dick Clark's surgeon. Or, access to the secret formula for the ultimate anti-aging moisturizer.

And, finally, number one...[insert nifty grafics here]

1) Okay, you're going to kill me; but this one has to stay a secret. I'm superstitious that way. But you can have fun guessing.

So, if it was your birthday, or if you had a little magic Genie: what would you wish for?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - I'm doing my part tomorrow to see that we take care of #9 for you...Can't make any promises as to the rest of the country (read: Florida) but my peeps in Chicago voted Democrat 76% last election.


6:28 AM  
Blogger Dish Upon a Star said...

Happy birthday! I hope you get my package today. Oops, I said package, which is a little too much like unit. Hee hee hee hee.

7:00 AM  
Blogger Betsy said...


Your showdown with the printer cracked me up-- do you remember that scene from Office Space where they destroy their printer with baseball bats? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQzIg0CPW5Q)

Hope you get your wish!


7:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU you guys!!!

Hey - u sure can't arrange for number 6 or 5?!?!?!?!?

;D - L

10:07 AM  
Blogger L said...

Best Wishes!!! I know a few in FL who have worked on #9 for you and already voted early for the Dems. There's hope. Wish I could be w/ you for cupcakes!

10:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mmmm cupcakes.

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!!! Hope you get to eat some cake. lol. I'm putting my money on wish #1 even though curiosity killed the cat... but, hey, I'm adventurous like that. ...and btw I also think Scorpios have a bad rep. In my experience they make such passionate bedfellows.



4:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did we do good boss?? GOP took a poundin'! Now for wishes 1-8 and 10....

10:40 AM  
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11:39 PM  
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2:09 AM  

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